I recently watched the Duck/Huskie football game with a couple of close and dear relatives who happen to be Beaver fans. This kind of division can happen in the best of families. At any rate, I was concerned that the situation might be stressful for them as they are unaccustomed to rooting for the Ducks. I provided them with the following primer to help ease their discomfort. I hope that you, too, might find this useful.
- Throughout the day of the game, and especially during the game, you
need to occasionally and randomly shout “GoDucks!” at the top of your
lungs. Shout this anytime anyone in the room does anything, like
coming back from the bathroom, applauding a good play, sneezing, or
doubling over from an acute appendicitis attack. - If the Ducks defense does something good, say “Alright! Don Pellum is
a stud!” - If the Ducks defense does something bad, scream “Whose idea was it
to hire that idiot Pellum?” - Regardless of whether the offense or defense is playing, it’s appropriate
pretty much anytime to pump your fist and say “Alright, Marcus!”. Don’t
try to use his last name. Even his parents don’t know how to say it. - If the Ducks score, jump around and high-five everybody as if you’d
never seen a touchdown before. Please remember that in the 90’s, this
was true. - If the other team scores, first let out a stream of profanity (or random
words with many consonants), and then turn to your neighbor and say,
“Whose idea was it to hire that idiot Pellum?” - Throughout the game, chew your nails, fidget, pace, and look really
worried, as if a flock of fruit-eating seagulls was flying through your
kitchen over your brownie batter. If the Ducks lose, keep this up for a
week. If the Ducks win, jump up and down and scream for about three
minutes, and then start thinking about next week while chewing your
nails, fidgeting, pacing, and looking really worried, as if a flock of fruiteating
seagulls was flying through your kitchen over your brownie batter