Anonymous sources have told anonymous news outlets anonymously that the names Ivanka Trump, Hunter Biden, Kim Jong-un and Eddie Haskell have all appeared on the Internet on the very same day that news of the Springfield, Oregon “CardGate” scandal became public. A spokesperson not representing the late Mother Teresa said, “I am shocked”, immediately after touching a live electrical wire while in the bathtub. We will continue to follow this breaking story. If the story becomes completely broken, we will stop following it, because, after all, what’s the point then?
A guy named “Wes” contributed to this story. Well, actually, Wes asked us for spare change, and he looked kind of rough, so we gave him 35 cents. I mean, that’s kind of a contribution, right?